rantings of a teenage drama queen

Message:
what a kiss means
*Kiss on the stomach-----"lets have sex"
*Kiss on the Forehead ----"Forever you will be mine"
*Kiss on the Ear ---"I'm horny"
*Kiss on the Cheek ---"We're friends"
*Kiss on the Hand ---"I adore you"
*Kiss on the Neck ---"We belong together"
*Kiss on the Shoulder ---"I want you"
*Kiss on the Lips ---"I love you" OR "I want you"
*Holding Hands ---"We can learn to love each other"
*Slap on the Butt ---"That's mine"
*Playing with the Ear ---"I can't live without you"
*Holding on tight ---"Don't let go"
*Looking into each other's Eyes ---"Don't leave me"
*Playing with Hair on Head ---"Tell me you love me"
*Arms around the Waist ---"I love you too much to let go"
*Laughing while Kissing ---"I am completely Comfortable with you"

--Advice--
* Dont ask for a kiss, take one.
*If you were thinking about someone while reading this,
you're definitely in Love.

im in my dorm room right now. all my roommates are sleeping. there are certain nights where i can get to sleep. then there are nights like this where i just cant. which is pretty lame. i dont want to take a sleepin pill because i have class at 830 in the morning so i think im just going to pull an all-nighter. which is normal for me. i do it all the time. i could never do it when i worked at the airport. i was always so freakin tired at work. one nite i actually fell asleep in a guys arms because i was so tired. though he had me up for over 24 hrs. no we werent doing the nasty. geez. he wanted to hang out. the first guy i really liked since high school and he blow me off the last week i was in madison. why. bullshit. im still not over him probably because he treated me so good. i kind of wish i didnt delete him out of my phone now because i want to talk to him so badly right now. i know i equal lameness. i want to run into when i go home, i wonder if i go to the gas station at that certain time when he always came and visited me if i would see him. damnit. i need to stop thinkin about him i really do.
random but i wish my keyboard on my laptop would light up. but nope. darkness for the keys..
ok back to ranting. drew is driving me crazy, im getting to the point where i have no sarcasum (sp) left for when he says "im so excited to see you again." reminder its been exactly one month since i left wisconsin. stop pushing me away. clingyness scares me. maybe thats why i suck at dating. i always date guys who want to be all clingy and have to see you every fucking day. okok step off breathing space please.
josh has started to talk to me again. i still kind of like him but we'll see what happens when i come back.
i miss my friends.
i think i must be annoying or not fun because none of my friends call me like they call eachother. i make effort but i get non towards my way. what am i doing wrong?
whatever. im being pathetic.
i miss my boys.

ahhhhhhhh
i want to sleep. why cant i fall asleep. is it really because im truly homesick or is it because i truly dont like it in cali?
maybe if i was older it would be different. maybe i took to big of a first step. take a step back. school in chicago is looking so much better everyday!!!!!!! please let me in your school!

hey all  im in the dorms right now. up in the computer room because i havent gotten my new laptop yet. i've been waiting for my money to come so i checked one of my accounts today and they put it in there without telling me. (yesterday) and it says pending so that means i cant go run three blocks to the apple store and say "i want to buy a computer n take it home today!" yea that would be nice. though if its not pending anymore tomorrow im sooo going if not then definitly monday because banks are open on monday. yay! exciting. i've been so lost without my own computer. i have to come up here when all i want to do is stay in my room and do my homework but i have to come up here to do my homework instead. so my major is i guess the hardest major at the school. everyone says we get lots more homework and we get pressured alot more. umm no kidding. i've been swamped with homework since day one. lame lame lame. i went to the library today because i had to print some stuff but i guess you have to have cash to buy a copy card and then you get to copy shit. grr. i didnt have any cash on me so i decided to back to the dorms. boo cash. i have lots of reading to do so i'm going to do that now.
later

 boy is back in my life again. called me randomly after 2 months of silence. he wants to go to a movie tonite but i have a bday dinner so i invited him along. i asked him today if he still wanted to go n he said yea but dinner is in an hour n i havent heard a peep. im worried im lettin myself think that he will actually call. i always put myself in this situation where i like guys who dont do their part. im a dumbass magnet.
this is my last week in madison, wi then its hello california. im excited for warm air n beaches. yay! though its all school n work for me n maybe sum play time. we'll see. still excited

i like him. .. but things are not at the right time

so if it was January I would be sitting in my all womens dorm right now. really not lookin forward to sharing a room with not one but maybe three girls. next week is xmas, it snuck up on me, meaning i didnt get neone nething. I know im pathetic right.

i dont get guys, they seem to have radar when it comes to asking you out. they either ask when your not availible or leaving. mornons. also everyone keeps sayin "i really wish u werent leaving" n of course i was annoyed cuz i keep hearin it so i said sumthing. his reply was that people dont realize what they have until its gone. which really made me smile because i finally get it. i just figured people were just sayin that because they didnt know what else to say about it. yes i am movin over 2000 miles away from everyone n everything. i'm goin to know absolutly no one but i'm goin to do it with a smile.

also i hate my life, well just my brain. i booked n paid for my flight out there thinkin, man i really dont wanna pay that much or go on that airline. well silly me forgot about STA travel. student discount travel. BOOO. well at least i can come home from spring break/ moms bday.

also i wanna go to paris next summer. a couple weeks in paris would be AMAZING!

 so i leave in a month. im kind of freaked out cuz its so far away from home. theres two options i have here, i can go out for just the 5 months of school or if i get this new job higher in the company i'll just stay out there. actually move out there. of course i'll miss my friends everyone misses their friends when they move far away from home. but this is best for me. i still havent gotten my laptop which i have to do when i get my left over money from my loan. hmm...


dorm shoppin is umm fun?!?

situation:
me n my friend driving in my car eatin sum very very late dinner
while guy in can next to us thinks he's amazing

guy: ever heard of silmfast?

i look over of course

guy: yea i was talkin to you , you ho

now WTF , where does this guy get off calling me fat and a ho when i dont even know him. GRRR
people just SUCK MONKEY balls sumtimes.

( Todays Adventure )

so last night i found out my grandpa whos like almost 90 has a tumor in his bladder. he's having surgery tomorrow .. more hospital time for me and the family. 


im scared.

today i woke up and decided hey its super nice outside i should go on a bike ride. so i did. i havent been on my bike in years. ha. 
heres a couple pics for my bike ride.

today is wednesday, middle of the week. yesterday was ok, i sat around the house all day it was enjoyable. then later i made dinner. pork chops on the grill and other stuff inside. my mom was in shock my dad ate it all. my friends grandpa died last week, we were pose to hang out but he never called or answered so i was little confused. so yesterday he wrote me this long email about it and how he isnt up to much but being with his family. i didnt know what to say in reply cuz i havent lost a grandparent but i have lost cousins so i said "im sorry about ur gramps i hope things get better, i'll tty when ur up to it." now that i think about it, how does one really say sumthing in return to that, hows does the subject of sumone dieing even come into context? 



i miss my dehs

( Pictures )

hey hey... quick update

its APRIL, happy april everyone! right now...

it looks like this outside..


the plants are...


my dog of course is well loving it..


i feel like this..


and i miss ..

Looks like i totally know how to be BORED!


for those who dont know. its the AAU logo. 
i was bored give me a break n yea its not perfect but its a work in PROGRESSS DAMNIT!

EDIT:

THIS IS THE FINISHED PHOTO. i cropped it so it looks different that way to. but check out the eye you CAN totally see the difference!!!!!!!!!!!!

F U MySpace. 

it wont let me even go to the site. keeps saying "internet explore unable to open site" BOOOO

superbowl tomorrow, GO ffing BEARS beat the COLTS!

so i've been thinking a lot latly. mainly about important stuff like financial aid but i cant really take care of that until W2's come, which honestly im freakin out to see the mail everyday. stupid W2's! but i've made sum decisions about some things. about boys, well ha i've decided i cant deal wit that right now i just need these four months to roll by smoothly w/o guy troubles. i've also been tryin to find another job, i keep circling sum but i make no effort to call or get an app. talk about procrastination! speakin of money maybe so random distant relative that i've never met before will die n im sum how left wit a trust found, ah wait inheritance? talk about reachin for the stars on that one. 

i have all this stuff i wanna say, but non of it seems to want to come out. 
in other news:
3.I've lost an INCH!
2.I've been sick wit random flu symptons w/o the throwin up part
1.I just want to sit in a dark room and cry

the whole spreading wings thing starts now.

-J

I like EGGS!